Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness
Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion
Ever dreamed out in the world
There were arms to hold you?
You've always known
Your heart was on its own
So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived
Life can be loved
Alone.

A child is born. Somehow, his future is written already in his hand. He goes to school, grows in the society, have a job, and then what? Surely, we would say, THEN, he should get married, create his own family, so that he could born another child. That’s what so called a life cycle, or perhaps I should call a marriage cycle, because the final goal seems to be a marriage.

By the time, a child reach an age that permit him to get married, then he should get married, if he doesn’t want to be bothered with such a question.

For a girl, it’s more stressful. When they reach the age, and still unmarried, people will question them a lot more, they are even called old-maid.

Like my case, I’m 27 already, still single, unmarried, no partner, whatever you call it. I focus more on my career, that’s what I told them. Bullshit!! That’s just my answer everytime someone questioning me. Career seems to be a good reason why people still unmarried. Blame it on career!

When I think about it, it’s just not fair when I blame it on career. I don’t really have a rocket science of career. It’s true that I have a good and steady job that pays me well, but that not a high ranking or top of the world job. I don’t need to give my whole time to the job I have, that wouldn’t allow me to find my life-partner.

So, when I say, no time for love, because I’m focusing more on my career, that’s just my answer so that people would not judge me.

The more I think about it, work and love, somehow I feel I don’t quite understand about love. I realize that is my weak point. In my job, it’s so easy to change from one thing to another. If I don’t like the situation, I would call of the relation between me and my work-place and find something new. I wouldn’t say it’s easy, but there’s always a way.

But then, in my 27 years of living, I don’t seems to get a grip of what love is.

If I don’t master the love, how can I get married, how am I supposed to complete the life cycle or marriage cycle???

Not that I don’t believe in marriage, that I’m still by my self at this time. I do believe in marriage as I believe in love. I value marriage. In fact, when people already find their love and they both believe in it, they should formalize by marriage. It’s a bound, it’s a strict commitment, not only now, but also forever.

Two friends of mine, the only similarities they share is they both have ever stolen my heart, although it’s not for forever, and they don’t believe in marriage. I’m not really sure of what the reason is. Perhaps, that one of the reason, among other many reasons that makes our relationship did not work-out.

BS, let’s just call one of my friend that way. He didn’t believe in marriage, though he believed in commitment. I didn’t know whether the commitment is just to avoid un-safe sexJ He was so career-minded, believed in himself to get the top of the world. Working in different companies, in three different continent. I could say that he had a high flying career. I’m sure everyone would envy his career, before 30, he got everything, materially, and also a girlfriend, who he had been living together with for more than a year, with some-kind a prenup agreement. When he informed me about this, I joked at him telling him he has changed, and had surrendered at marriage. But he strictly said NO! They did prenup not for marriage, but to save their property and pay less tax. Unbelievable!

Guanto, my other friend. He’s so cute, so handsome. Every girls would turn around and jump on him. Born from a mix parents, he got an exotic Asian Caucasian. He strictly said that no marriage in his mind, he better get old by him self. Correction, he didn’t wanna enjoy life that long, his ideal life would be living short without bothering anyone. But if he need any help, at least he had his dear doggy that could keep him company, and his dear nieces and nephew, and if I would be generous enough, he would treat my children (from my husband) as his as well. Magic huh?J

Now I’m quite surprise when they informed me that they are thinking of getting married. I should be happy for them. BS resigned from his gold-position in London, moving back home to Netherlands, to get closer his girlfriend, get a job in local company that can let him have work-life balance, and finally taking over his parents’ business, coz no one in his family would do. He is finally settling down. Who knows next year, he will actually get married.

Guanto, on the other hand, informed me that he’s thinking of getting married. He has been offered 2 girls for him to choose. He’s thinking of doing it to have normal status in his society. I cant say I’m happy for him. It’s like he’s committing suicide if he intend to do so, he doesn’t only kill himself, but he’ll kill his bride and me, and other women that believe marriage is sacred things should be done based on love.

If you are gay, then you marry a women, isn’t it deceitful? You deceive your folks, your partner, and women.

Once again, marriage is a sacred rope to tie-up a life time commitment. When you decide to get married, you have responsibilities to your self, your partner, your descendant, your family, your society, above all… to God.

I’ve been so naïve…

I’ve been fooled…

I’ve been blind…

Someone who I care the most

Someone who I love the most

More than my own

Has been so insensitive

He made me cry

He broke my heart

He killed my soul and passion

In the name of love, that was he always said

I hate him for what he is now

I hate him for making me blind

With my love for him

I’m crying now for my ache

I’m laughing hard for my foolishness

But I’m smiling for my capability to love him

(23 September 2006)

Have you ever felt you were fooled by someone who you thought you knew, inside-out?

Have you ever realized you knew nothing about someone you really knew?

I got to your place at the time we agreed. Was shocked when I saw you were not alone. Something hit me. I was caught off-guard.

I still acted normally, though I knew this was not as I expected things to be.

I witnessed things that only made my heart shattered to pieces.

But I was still pretending, that I was fine, that I over you…

And questioning my self, why life was so unfair to me, how come you were so insensitive, or it was just your tactic to make me understand of who you really were

If it was your tactic, then I would surrender.

I was lost…

I admitted that I haven’t gotten over you

BUT… didn’t I have the right to speak?

Didn’t I have the right to choose?

What better thing I should have done if someone you love trapped you in a situation where you can not fight for your love, because you were not the one he loved anymore, and you were to witnessed his love to other in front of your eyes

The email I received shocked me.

Informing that you passed away.

When I looked back, it seemed that it was only yesterday.

We talked on your birthday.

You said that you were grateful of the time that God gave you.

Never realized that soon after your birthday God asked you to come back to Him.

Only knew you less than a year.

But I felt you know me well enough than a lot of friends whom I knew ages.

Had so much memory with you…

Time goes on…

But I’ll always remember you…

Goodbye Bembi….

I carry your heart with me

I carry it in my heart

I’m never without it

Anywhere I go, you go, my dear

And whatever is done by only me

Is your doing, my darling

I fear no fate, for you are my fate, my sweet

I want no world for, beautiful

You are my world, my true

Here’s the deepest secret no one knows

Here’s the root of the root

And the bud of the bud

And the sky of the sky

Of a tree called life

Which grows higher than the soul can hope

Or mind can hide

It’s the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart

I carry it in my heart

I’ve been hardly thinking lately, whether I am straight or not. Not because of the trend or a way to revenge. Well, ever crossed my mind for revenge. If he can easily be gay, how can’t I be gay too?

I don’t underestimate guys. It’s just that it’s difficult to understand them. Perhaps they also think the same, so difficult to understand women. Perfect then! So, why don’t we all become homosexual???

Then we won’t bother trying to understand each other, what other think or feel. Less complicated. Easy.

As much as I’ve tried to be gay, been hurt lots of time by men, I still can’t be one of them. I thought I was having a sexual breakdown, or early menopause. Show me the cutest guy, or the most handsome man, sorry to say, but I’m not turned on.

Until that Friday, bumping into him, let’s just call him “Erka”, I felt what I thought has been missing from me. Finally, I was stunned by his charm. He’s just an ordinary guy, but somehow his light passes through me. Perhaps that’s his gift of having what so called sex appeal. Not all cute or handsome or good looking people have that. You can be ordinary, and have the gift.

However, I’m still keeping the wall to guard my heart, no more broken heart, coz’ I don’t know whether my heart still in its place. At least I know I’m not a lesbian. Not that I care, it’s just to answer my curiosity.

A good friend has just visited me. She gave me a book of her life, full of lessons. Inspired by her story, I’d like also to write about my “Guanto”.

Let’s call him Guanto. I’ve known him more than 10 years, been close with him, let say for more than 6 years. He’s the love of my life, even knowing the fact that there’s no future for us, it’s empty.

He… I used to love him very much, still love him even now, perhaps will love him forever. He seemed to be a great guy and a strong guy to rely on. I can’t count how many times I have cried on his shoulder, screamed, or just cuddled to him.

We started with just being friend, an acquintance. Then, the feeling developed in me. We became unsperated, always being together.

I remembered, I felt I almost lost him. His Dad passed away, the situation totally changed. I felt it was all my mistakes. He seemed totally out of reached. Then I realized he just needed time for himself, and his family.

Then, another feeling of afraid to lose him when I finished my study. I was afraid that not being in the same place, would separated us. But somehow, we were still togeteher. Perhaps, from meeting him everyday, became only in the weekend… which I thought normal, because we were working in different place, and tied up with our own business.

The feeling of afraid of losing him haunted me every single day from then on. Then, I decided that I should be the one to leave him. I made up my mind. I was strongly believed that it was the best thing I could do, perhaps I could forget him with all the distance we were. That time I felt there was no future for us because we had different religion, which was so important for each of the family.

I made up my mind… I took off, went toa totally different country. I hoped the distance could erase memory of him and diminish my feeling for him.

I was wrong, totally wrong. Distance couldn’t make you forget for someone you really care. I couldn’t erase anything about him, eventhough I was with someone else. It was so frustrating!

Then, after a year and a half, time to go back home. The feeling and the memory of him got stronger. I felt betrayed by my own decision and thinking.

I met him again, he broke the news that our future was empty, it was not only because of religion, but something else which is still beyond understanding. Couldn’t fight him back.  I lost him for good.

My lover’s gone,

 his boots no longer by my door,

 he left at dawn,

and as I slept I felt him go

Returns no more, 

I will not watch the ocean,

my lover’s gone,

no earthly ships will ever bring home again

My heart broke. Didn’t know how to react or feel. Should I be relieved that he left me not for another girl? My heart sinked to the very bottom. I have lived this pain half unconsciousness. I was about to get so depressed and frustrated. Lucky that I had friends I could rely on. He was still one of them too.

I had a huge heart. I couldn’t stand to see him sad, eventhough he broke my heart already. We promised to fight to be happy. I fought for my happiness in my own way, though I knew I deceit my self. It’s not a pure happiness. My life is full of drama!

He came again recently, telling me about his problem. It affected me. I couldn’t stand to see him down. I almost slapped him on his face. I hate to see him so weak. I couldn’t see like this, so unhappy. It crossed my mind, that perhaps it would be better off if I killed the person who made him like this.

My Guanto is so stupid. He is blind because of love. The person he love is just a selfish and arrogant one, who wouldn’t care for him.

What leave me then?

I’m also so stupid, blind because of my unconditional love!

A good friend told me that I’m a great person and most fabulous friend she could have. I’m very sensitive, very fragile. I have huge, good heart – a very rare virtue which make me even more vulnerable. And still, I’m very strong (even if I might not be convinced about it), by the strength of my own determination and honesty.

Och, how I wish my huge heart didn’t have to suffer.

How can I last? Even a huge coral in the sea will be gone later because of the wave.

While the thunder of tears like avalanche of stone

into little green beetles will change,

thus bending down to the water by turns,

we’ll incautiously sail to oblivion,

left behindby us on earth only our shadows shall cry

(A Melody - K.K Baczynski,Jan 16, 1942)

In just less than a day, I’d turn 26.

Another year of being single.

What have I achieved so far?

Need to think it through

Make a new resolution

For 26 is only once in a life time, and I’m not young anymore…..